


Trying to Love You

by its_just_us_here



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Bisexual!Morgan, Fluff, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, a little bit of past reid/gideon of a dubiously consensual nature, dirty daydreams, oblivious!spencer, pining!morgan, sleepy!reid, snuggles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 20:34:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6129226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_just_us_here/pseuds/its_just_us_here
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An alternative interpretation of the end of season 9, basically. Derek tells Savannah he loves her but! He's actually in love with the BAU's resident genius, duh. When Spencer gets shot, sensual massages and ~feelings~ happen and in future chapters I'm sure that porn will happen as well. Enjoy! Updating often.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, sorry for the dumb title. I hate titles. How do you think of good titles?

Derek is miserable. And distracted. _Extremely_  distracted. Distracted by a certain situation in his pants and the fact that he is getting progressively hornier the longer he's stuck sitting at this damn table.

The team is in Memphis, Tennessee, chasing down an unsub who is systematically kidnapping and torturing people who were involved in the gang rape of her sister at a fraternity party. After finally catching a break in the case, they’re  _ this close _ to figuring out where the woman is holding her victims captive. Morgan, Blake, Hotch and Reid are huddled around a table in the Memphis police station, talking to Garcia on speaker phone, frantically searching for likely hideouts.

Derek’s problem is that Reid - _fucking Reid_ \- is less than a foot away from him, casually leaning over the table  _ just so _ . Wearing that purple shirt that Derek likes so much. His hair just the right level of messy. Derek can smell him, the perfect mix of honey and vanilla and burnt coffee. Reid’s particular combination of scents should in no circumstances be described as “pleasant”, but to Derek it was the world’s most addicting drug; he can't get enough.

On top of all that, Derek was in the middle of a fight with Savannah. This case had allowed him to not-so-gracefully dodge dinner with her parents for not the first, not the second, but the third time. He was secretly relieved when the text came in, but then Savannah got upset, and then Derek got annoyed, and he desperately tried to fumble for an out. “You deserve someone who will be there for you, no matter what.” But she didn’t bite and it just made everything worse, so with a sigh and a headache he left for Quantico to catch the flight.

It’s not that there was anything wrong with Savannah, per se, or his relationship with her, except for the part where Savannah was not Dr. Spencer Reid, who Derek had been secretly pining for ever since, well, the first time they met almost a decade ago. It started out as just a physical attraction. When Spencer was first introduced to the team, he was just _so awkward_. So shy and nerdy. With those glasses that he pushed up his nose every 10 minutes. And his hair combed just so. And the cardigan. And the smell - that perfect smell. Jesus.

Derek’s first instinct upon meeting Spencer was to get him in bed. Everything about Spencer’s demeanor screamed  _ sexually inexperienced _ , but also: overeager schoolboy. Teacher’s pet. And God, did Derek want to be his teacher. He could just imagine how eager Spencer would be to learn the right way to jerk someone off, suck cock, take dick. How Spencer would be just slightly ashamed of his own body, just a little bit self conscious about someone else seeing and touching and sucking. They were still standing there, right in the middle of the BAU headquarters, and Derek was having the most vivid daydreams about the quiet, soft, whining whimpers that Spencer would let out the first time Derek touched him. Derek walked away from the group without any explanation to hide in the bathroom until he could get his, er, situation under control.

Despite Derek’s best efforts, those fantasies never went away; if anything, they only increased in frequency and detail over time. But then, one day, Derek noticed that quite a few other feelings had also snuck up on him. Maybe it was the first time he saw Spencer in a bulletproof vest, or the first time he saw Spencer take down an unsub. Or the first time Spencer was shot. Whenever it was, it startled Derek to notice that his feelings for his coworker were no longer just physical: He wanted all of it, the whole thing. The panic that he felt whenever Reid was in danger was all-consuming. And more than once, when Spencer made his way back to safety, Derek had to restrain himself from wrapping his arms around the younger man and holding him close until their heart rates slowed down.

But there were about a million reasons why it was absolutely imperative that Spencer Reid never found out how Derek felt about him. Their friendship, for starters; as much as Morgan wanted more, he also wasn’t about to throw away his existing relationship with his best friend. Add in FBI anti fraternization rules and an overwhelming desire to avoid Garcia’s teasing if she found out and Reid’s ambiguous sexual orientation (on the one hand, *definite* gay vibes; but on the other hand, a history of him crushing on women. Is Reid bisexual? Who even knows.) and it was clear that Derek really needed to just move on with his life.

Thank God he and Reid weren’t paired up for any tasks on this case in Memphis. With well-practiced grace and skill, Derek managed to avoid him almost the entire trip; they weren’t even left alone once, and Derek had maintained a respectable personal space boundary whenever they were in the same room. Until this exact moment, when Spencer had strolled up to him at the table, and then just… leaned over it. Just like that. Right next to him. Without even asking first.

Garcia was on the phone, typing so frantically they could hear the keystrokes on the other end of the line. The team was helping her narrow down possible locations while Derek utilized 100% of his mental capacities to stare directly at the phone, as though eye contact were of vital importance to carry on a phone conversation from hundreds of miles away. All Derek knew was that he couldn’t turn his head even one millimeter to the left because he was already consumed with desire to lean his coworker just a little bit further over that table. He could picture it so clearly. The way Spencer would squeak in surprise, his hands splayed out in front of him, his ass just… there. Right there. Rubbing against him.

Derek shook his head to snap himself out of what was quickly becoming an X-rated daydream just in time to end the call with a flirty farewell to Garcia and leave to investigate an abandoned building. He, Rossi, and JJ found the unsub, brought her in, rescued a young woman, and everything went as well as it could have, all things considered.

On the plane, Derek made a point of choosing a spot facing away from Reid, who had three books piled on the table in front of him. Watching Spencer read was a particular weakness for him. The way his hands gently caressed down the pages, his fingers fluttering softly… Derek could think of a place or two he’d like to feel those gentle strokes from the young genius, and not a single one was work appropriate.

Derek looked up and saw JJ approaching and took off his headphones. “I notice you’ve been a little distracted lately. Person, place, or thing?” JJ asked.

Damn, his coworkers could read him like a book. He shouldn't be surprised; that’s why they did what they did. “Person,” he responded with a smirk.

He definitely wasn’t expecting what came next. “Oh, is it SDU time already?” JJ asked, her voice dripping with sass. Derek indicated he didn’t understand, and JJ continued in the most ludicrous Morgan impression she could muster: “ _Yo, she doesn’t understand our schedule. Yo, baby girl, she doesn’t understand how hard our job is._ ” Derek rolled his eyes and she went on, “it’s where you break up with a girlfriend, or more likely, you force her to break up with you so you’re not the bad guy.”

Guilty as charged, Derek thought to himself. He was getting a little annoyed that JJ was calling him out on it, but tried not to show it. He willed her to stop talking but she kept going. “You either want a relationship or you don’t. And if you don’t, accept the fact that you might be alone forever... Look, we’re not the only ones with demanding jobs, Derek. So you need to ask yourself, what are you really afraid of?”

After their talk, Derek focused intently on staring out the window. He didn’t want to answer that question for himself, let alone answer it out loud for JJ. He and his teammates knew very well that he had a pattern with women, but only he knew _why_ he would keep sabotaging relationship after relationship, no matter how well they seemed to be going.

By the time Derek got back to his apartment building, he was still mulling over what JJ had asked him.  _ What are you really afraid of?  _ Kept echoing in his head nonstop.  _ And if you don’t, accept the fact that you might be alone. Forever. _

She was right, and it was obvious. If he ended every relationship with not-Reid because they weren’t Reid but also simultaneously refused to express his feelings to actual-Reid, there was only one end game: Being alone. Forever. Derek tossed his go bag on the living room floor with more force than was absolutely necessary and paced around in circles for a while, huffing and puffing with anger and built up sexual frustration. With a heavy sigh, he decided to recommit to his ongoing life plan of denial and repressing his emotions and walked across the hall with determination.

There were about a million times during the two-minute conversation that Derek had to pause and push Reid, forcefully, out of his mind. Like when he raised his fist to knock on her door, or when Savannah appeared and he found himself face to face with decidedly-not-Spencer-Reid. “Listen, uh, about the other day,” he started out shakily. He could still back out. Flee. What’s one more sabatoged relationship in a lifetime of never getting to hold the one person he wants?  _ Alone. Forever. _ Damn. If he had to settle, he could do worse than Savannah, the objectively-stunning creature staring intently back at him.

“Derek, I don’t want to pressure you into any…” Savannah started, and Derek took a deep breath and did whatever had to do to get his next words out. "Whatever he had to" happened to be allowing himself to imagine that one tall, lanky doctor with bushy hair was standing in front of him.

Somehow, he was able to say to her, almost convincingly: “Look, I… I will do whatever it takes to be with you. I am in love with you.”

Seconds later, Savannah was leaning forward, kissing him, and then pulling back. “I love you, too,” she said with a magnificent smile on her face. Derek was holding her hand and pulling it up to his face, letting out a shaky breath and closing his eyes in relief. He pulled it off. This giant, huge, life-altering, monumental lie that he had just told… he pulled it off. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer gets shot and then Derek takes his shirt off and then ~feelings happen~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh I wanted this to get porn-y sooner but then plot happened. Ugh. Here, have this fluff instead, for the time being.

The following weeks passed more or less uneventfully. Derek went through all of the appropriate good-boyfriend motions. He turned on the charm for dinner with Savannah's parents, he planned romantic dates, he apologized profusely when he was called away on cases, and he made sure he always brought her flowers when he came back. They reached a happy coexistance and Derek found himself thinking that maybe this could be enough; Savannah could make him happy and give him the type of life he had always wanted.

But then the team went to Texas, and all hell broke loose.

The details of the case weren’t important, not to Derek. When he’d look back on that trip, the only thing he would ever remember with full clarity was the second he watched Reid got shot and had to drag him to safety behind a cop car, blood pouring from his neck, and then being forced to leave his side to pursue the shooter. In all of his years in law enforcement, Derek had never done anything more difficult than pulling his fingers away from Spencer’s gunshot wound and leaving him laying there helpless.

It was intense pursuit; several shots were fired from both sides, and Morgan ended the night with a bulletwound of his own in his left arm. He and Spencer shared an ambulance to the hospital, and as one paramedic carefully put stitches in Derek’s arm, Derek was busying himself with talking to Spencer nonstop, hoping that his words would give Spencer something to cling to as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Things weren’t looking good for Spencer and Derek was panicking. “Pretty boy, you have got to stay with me, please, Spencer, listen to me,” Derek pleaded in loops over and over again.

When the machines beeped perilously and it looked like things were taking a turn for the worse, Derek got desperate. “Kid, you canNOT die on me, stay with me, you cannot die before I tell you I love you, kid, please.” The words were incoherent and Derek knew the paramedics were giving him sideways glances, but Derek spent the rest of the ride pleading with Spencer not to die before they could ever be together.

It wasn’t a fair thing to do, not really. Telling Spencer that he loved him in what very well could’ve been the last two minutes of his life. But the words poured out of him and once he said it, he couldn’t stop saying it, over and over and over again.

They finally made it to the hospital and a team of doctors and paramedics struggled to pull Derek away. Spencer had to get to surgery, Derek had to get examined. Before Spencer made it out of the OR, Derek was discharged and had no choice but to continue working the case. Knowing that he couldn’t be there when Spencer woke up left Derek distracted and scared, but he did his best to use the work to take his mind off of it all.

The next time he’d see Spencer would be when he rushed into Spencer’s hospital room, not long after Garcia had been forced to shoot a man posing as a nurse who was trying to poison Spencer to finish the job. There was so much going on in that moment that Derek could barely identify his emotions. His pretty boy had almost died on him -- again -- and his baby girl was shaking with the grief and terror caused by the fact that she’d been forced to do the unthinkable. And there was a severely injured attempted-murderer at his feet. It was an intense situation.

After a few minutes of pure chaos, Garcia was pulled away to give a statement on the shooting and Reid and Morgan were left alone for a few minutes. The first few minutes they’d had since the ambulance ride. Derek flashed a trademark flirty smile and greeted his coworker, “Hey there, Pretty Boy. You gave us all quite the scare.”

Spencer tried to smile, but between the pain and grogginess it looked a little more like a grimace. “Yeah… sorry about that.” His eyes looked up questioningly at Derek.

“Hey, kid. Uh… what do you remember about… earlier tonight?” Derek asked tentatively, approaching Spencer's bedside.

“You mean about the shooting?” Spencer replied.

“Yeah, well… I mean about everything. Anything you want to talk about?”

Spencer, admittedly, did not have the world’s greatest social skills, but he  _ was _ an elite FBI profiler and he knew what Derek was trying to assess: Had he heard Derek’s confession in the ambulance? Spencer was nervous trying to figure out the best way forward. Did Derek regret what he had said? Spencer was worried that if Derek stood by it -- if it wasn’t just something that slipped out an a moment of extreme panic, but rather a serious emotion that he wanted to pursue -- then he wouldn’t be playing this game right now, he would tackle it more directly. So Spencer reasoned that Derek wanted to take it all back, was grappling for an out.

“I, uh… to be honest, I don’t remember much at all. The last thing I can recall is feeling you dragging me somewhere, but after that... it’s all blank,” Spencer lied skillfully. He figured that Derek could take this whatever direction he wanted to, and due to his general lack of experience in romantic relationships, Spencer was happy to follow Derek’s lead; saying he didn’t hear the confession didn’t prevent Derek from saying it again, if he wanted to.

Several emotions seemed to play out on Derek’s face in quick succession, but Spencer was too drugged up to tell if he was seeing disappointment or relief in his friend’s features. Before he got a chance to figure it out, Garcia was rushing back into the room and talking a mile a minute. Derek gave Spencer a soft smile and pat on his good shoulder before slipping out to rejoin the team.

*******************************

Back in Quantico, Reid was being forced to take two months off for physical therapy and, well, emotional recovery before returning to work. He was going stir crazy in his apartment, and the BAU team members were taking turns visiting him on their rare days off to provide company and distraction.

When it was Derek’s turn, he approached Spencer’s front door with a distinct mix of fear and excitement. Despite the obvious anguish that Derek’s feelings were causing him, Spencer was still his best and closest friend, and not getting to see him everyday for the past six weeks had left him wanting some serious bro time. Spencer answered the door in a t-shirt and sweats, absent mindedly rubbing his neck as he opened the door and stepped aside for the older agent to come into the apartment.

“Hey there, Pretty Boy. I missed that face of yours. I brought you some Indian takeout from the place you like so much,” Derek said as he walked into the apartment and held up a takeout bag.

Spencer smiled back at him. “Morgan, that place is like, 10 miles out of your way, assuming you took the most direct route from your apartment to mine. Well, 10.45 miles… to be exact,” Spencer replied looking over at him. Realizing he was being a little awkward, he added, “I mean, thank you. That was really nice of you to do for me.”

“Anything for you, Kid. Just don’t keep almost dying on me, because, man. That place is no joke. They’re so mean. It’s like they don’t even  _ want _ customers. I can’t keep showing my face there, I may seem strong but I’m actually a very sensitive man, Spencer,” Derek teased.

They got settled on the couch with their food and a movie and the evening went about as normally as their hang-out sessions normally did. Nothing out of place. Each man seemed relieved that things were back to normal after what could’ve been a friendship-ending near-death moment in the back of an ambulance. They were both getting a little tired, Spencer dozing on and off, when an alarm went on Spencer’s phone.

“Mmm,” Derek startled. “What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s, um… I’m supposed to rub some vitamin E oil into my surgical scar twice a day? It helps with the healing process. I set an alarm on my phone so I wouldn’t forget. I’ll just do it after you head out tonight,” Spencer explained and laid his head back down against the couch.

“Kid, you are clearly about to pass the fuck out; you’re not going to make it two minutes after I walk out that door. Bring the oil here, let me rub it in for you,” Derek said.

Spencer was caught a little bit off guard by the suggestion. He was usually one to avoid physical touch, but he was just so tired. Derek was right; the moment the older agent left, Spencer was sure he would have exactly enough energy to make it from the doorway to his bed before falling into a sound sleep.

“I, uh… Morgan, you really don’t have to,” Spencer stuttered out.

“Hey. Look at me. I’m not doing anything to mess with that beautiful porcelain skin of yours. Are we doing this or what?” Derek looked at him pointedly.

It wasn’t the first time Derek had given him a compliment on his appearances. In fact, it hadn’t been that long since Derek had commented that his face was his best feature after Spencer had gotten hurt on a case. And Spencer knew the teasing must be platonic, or at the very least a dead-end flirtation: Just because Derek said nice things about him didn’t mean he was about to overturn his entire life to be in a relationship with his gawky, awkward, male coworker. As much as Spencer wanted that. And he wanted that… very badly.

“God, okay. Whatever. Here, come with me, I don’t want to get oil on the couch,” Spencer said as he stood up and started walking towards the bathroom.

He used his good arm to reach up for the medicine cabinet and pulled out the oil. Derek was standing behind him now, and Spencer passed it back to him.

“Just, uh… you know. Get a little on your fingers and rub it in along the incision,” Spencer instructed, motioning towards the five-inch long scar on his neck.

Derek did as he was told, starting at the top of the scar, which started just below Spencer’s earlobe, and worked his way down slowly, massaging gentle, tiny circles over the wound. Spencer’s breathing was deep and even, his eyes closed. When Derek looked up in the mirror, he saw a rare sight, his friend looking totally relaxed and comfortable.

He kept touching Spencer’s skin softly, relishing the opportunity to make Spencer feel so at ease. As he worked his way lower, Derek noticed that the last inch or so of scar tissue was hidden by the collar of his t-shirt.

 

“Hey, Pretty Boy,” Derek said and let his free hand drift down to the hem of Spencer’s shirt, tugging gently to indicate what he was talking about. “Take this off, I don’t want to get your shirt messy.”

“Oh, um, okay,” Spencer said, but Derek could see him blushing slightly in the mirror. “I, uh… well… I can get it off myself but it would actually be easier and quicker if you helped?” Spencer said uncertainly.

The request sent electric shocks to his groin, but Derek's voice was soft and comforting as he answered, “Hey, no problem. I don’t want to hurt your shoulder, tell me what to do?”

“Nng, uh.. here,” Spencer was twisting awkwardly and let out a short noise of discomfort. “Hold this sleeve still?” He said as he lifted up his good arm. Derek did as he was told and Spencer slid his arm inside his shirt. “Okay, now, uh… just lift it over my head and down off of my bad arm?” Derek again followed instructions, but was immediately caught off guard by the intense pull in his stomach, the arousal that flooded him from this intimate act of undressing his friend and then getting the privilege of taking in his his bared back in front of him, his chest and stomach in the mirror. In all of their years of working together and being friends, Derek had never seen Spencer without a shirt on. Reid typically avoided the types of male-bonding activities that involve taking shirts off; no beaches, no swimming, no games of pick-up basketball.

Derek wasn’t ready for the sheer amount of physical intimacy that had just passed between them, and he could see in the mirror that Reid’s blush was spreading out over chest. Spencer was flushed with overstimulation, and pointedly looked down to avoid making eye contact in the mirror.

Without seeing a graceful way out, Derek oiled his fingers and kept rubbing Spencer’s scar, and determinedly trying to make conversation in the hopes that it could dissipate the awkwardness in the air. “How’s, uh, the physical therapy going?” he asked.

“It’s fine, I guess. Painful. I almost have full range of motion back in my shoulder but now we have to rebuild strength in the muslces that have atrophied,” Reid replied.

“Hmmm, Pretty Boy hitting the weights!?” Derek exclaimed gleefully. “I would pay top dollar to see that. When’s your next appointment? Your PT got a cheering section?”

Spencer couldn’t help but laugh, and it only served to spread the rosiness further across his back and shoulders. God, he’d give anything for different skin that didn’t portray his emotions with the most obscene blushing.

They giggled together for a moment, Spencer closing his eyes and relaxing again.

Derek wasn’t sure he could resist touching more of Spencer’s skin. It was right there, in front of him. Literally at his fingertips. Bare and exposed and begging to be touched.

“God, kid. Your shoulders always this tense?” Derek asked. Before Spencer knew what was happening, Derek had gently poured some more oil across both hands and now he was working his magical fingers beyond the incision site and out across his shoulder blades and upper back.

It felt so good that Spencer couldn’t offer anything other than a sheepish groan in response. Derek smiled to himself and tried not to wonder if that was the same kind of groan Spencer would give if he were touched somewhere else.

They stayed like that for awhile, Spencer completely and totally blissed out as Derek worked his hands in circles over his shoulders, up his neck, dipping just into the bottom of his hairline, behind his ears, down to his lightly-muscular back, greedily searching for any skin he was allowed to touch. Spencer’s breathing was mostly even, but would hitch just slightly when Derek found a particularly tense area, and every once in awhile the younger man would let out the tiniest mews and whimpers when Derek dug his fingers in to release tense knots.

Derek had given massages to partners before, ones that were event  _ intended _ to be sexy massages, but what he was doing right now, in this bathroom, with Reid, was hands down the most erotic experience he’d ever had with another human. Those sounds he was making… Derek knew he was already half hard and he hadn’t even been touched once yet. He was nervous, though, because he couldn’t tell what Spencer was thinking, or feeling. Obviously the massage felt good, but… how good? Good in the same way?

Derek tentatively leaned his face closer to Spencer’s hair so that the younger man felt his breathing on his neck. In response, Spencer leaned back softly, his back now in full contact with Derek’s chest. It was Derek’s turn to let out a soft moan as he leaned forward to whisper in Spencer’s ear, “You like my fingers on your neck, Pretty Boy?”

“Mmmhmmm,” was all Spencer could get out in response. He was absolutely drowning in Derek’s touches, his brain had shut down a long time ago. All he wanted was for this to go on forever, to feel Derek’s warmth behind him, to know that Derek’s attention was focused entirely on him.

Derek leaned closer so that his lips were just barely brushing against the good side of Spencer’s neck and he breathed out, “What if I used my lips here instead?”

Spencer didn’t have any words to offer in response, he just pushed back into Morgan’s body harder and groaned. His arm shot behind him, grabbing hold of Morgan’s hip and holding tight.

Morgan chuckled into Spencer’s neck before planting a few soft, incredibly gentle kisses. He worked his way up, slowly, from the base of Spencer’s neck to the sensitive spot behind his ear before starting back down again. When he got halfway there, he stopped and sucked - hard - and all at once Spencer’s grip on him tightened as he let out the most beautiful whine Morgan had heard in his entire life. Morgan reached an arm around Spencer’s stomach possessively and pulled him as close as he could while he kept up the sucking and the nibbling and the licking on Reid’s neck.

When Derek pulled their bodies together, Spencer could feel Derek’s erection against his back and startled. He pushed Derek’s arm away to loosen his hold and turned around so they were face to face. “Derek…” Spencer looked at him with a panicked expression.

Derek mirrored that panic right back at him. “Hey, kid, shit… I’m sorry, man.” He held up his hands as he went on, “I’m sorry. I’ll stop. I’ll stop.”

Spencer reached out for Derek’s biceps, realizing that his friend was misunderstanding. “Nonononono,” he cooed, trying to soothe Morgan. “It’s… fine. It’s _good_. Everything that was, you know, happening. I just... “ Spencer exhaled heavily and shackily. “I need to tell you something?”

Derek was clearly confused, and concerned. “What’s on your mind?”

“I…” Spencer started, his eyes darting everywhere in the room, avoiding Derek’s face, terrified of making eye contact. But he started to spill, talking a mile a minute, “I heard you, in the ambulance, everything that you said to me. In fact, I remember it word for word, and your exact intonation, because, well, that’s what it’s like to have an eidetic memory. And I know I lied to you about remembering and I know that lying is bad but I was worried that you regretted what you said and you wanted a way to take it back, and now we’re standing here in my bathroom and you’re kissing my neck and you have a girlfriend and, Derek, I just feel really confused, and…”

It was clear that Spencer’s feelings were quickly spiraling out of control and Derek needed to intervene, and fast. He reached out a finger and pressed it softly to Spencer’s lips.

“Hey, hey, hey. Calm down, genius, it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. Just talk to me about this, okay?” Derek said soothingly.

Spencer looked up mekely and nodded quietly.

“So… you remember everything,” Derek started. It was more of a statement. His heart was beating way too fast.

Another nod from Spencer, who still had Derek’s finger at his lips and couldn’t really talk anyway. Derek’s mind was flooded as well. They both were a mess.

“Do… do you… I guess, what I’m asking is… You let me kiss your neck? So…” Derek was too afraid to ask the question.

“Yes. Yes, Derek. Yes. Always yes.” Spencer looked at him more earnestly than he had ever looked at another person, locking eyes with Derek.

In an instant, Derek’s eyes started to well up and shine, his next breath shaky and uneven. He couldn’t stop himself, before he could keep the conversation going both of his arms snaked around Spencer’s waist and pulled him close. Derek buried his face in Spencer’s chest and tried to get himself under control. Tentatively, Spencer lifted his good arm and brought it up to wrap around Derek’s shoulder, holding him just as close.

“What, uh… do we do… now?” Spencer asked shyly into Derek’s neck.

“I… have to go take care of something,” Derek replied reluctantly. Spencer knew what he was talking about and pulled away, putting some space between them and nodding. “Is it… can I… is it alright if I come back later tonight?” he asked.

Spencer looked up at him shyly. “I would like that, but… I know that I don’t always assess social situations accurately, but from what I know about dating habits of modern adults in our age range, you coming back here late at night might have… certain implications about the types of activities we would engage in, which I normally wouldn’t mind, except for…” Spencer grimaced as he gestured at his shoulder. “I’m not sure I’d be, you know. Up for… much.”

Derek couldn’t help but laugh. “Is that what you think about me? That I wouldn’t be interested in coming here because you're injured and can’t have sex?”

“Well… I just…” Spencer got flustered trying to answer.

“I’m going to be back. I don’t care if all we do is fall asleep in separate rooms of this goddamn apartment, I just want to fall asleep closer to you than usual, okay?” Derek’s hand was under Spencer’s chin, nudging his face up to make eye contact.

Spencer smiled sheepishly and with a grin replied, “Okay.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek and Spencer are ~together at last~. This fic was going to have, like, an actual plot, but now it sort of seems like it's just drabbles that are held together loosely by a flimsy plot-like substance. *I'm* not complaining about it.
> 
> Also this chapter features sleepy!Reid, which is one of my favorite CM fan fic tropes.

Morgan grabbed Spencer’s face between his hands and planted a few quick kisses on his forehead before leaving to end things with Savannah. Spencer stood glued to the spot for a few minutes, wondering whether the past half hour and really happened. Had Morgan really stood behind him, carefully and gently rubbing his back? Had he really leaned forward and asked if he could kiss his neck? Did he really get emotional and hug him fiercely when Spencer told him that his feelings were reciprocated?

Slowly, Spencer made his way to the living room and resettled himself on the couch, carefully laying down with his back against the arm so it wouldn’t bother his neck and shoulder. Derek said he’d be back, but Spencer was fully expecting a text or a phone call any minute; there was no way Derek was going to go break up with Savannah in order to be with him. He’d call and explain soon, let Spencer down gently, tell him it was a mistake. Or worse, Spencer would wait for him all night and he’d never show.

Eventually, Spencer’s fears were put to rest when his mind surrendered to sleep. Even six weeks after his surgery, Spencer’s energy levels were still low. He was refusing narcotic pain meds, which slowed down his physical therapy considerably, and the slow recovery really took it out of him. He wasn’t sure how long he was asleep when he heard his apartment door slowly reopening and footsteps approaching the couch. Suddenly, Derek was kneeling down beside him, his face just a few inches away.

“Hey there, Pretty Boy,” he smiled.

Spencer was groggy but smiled back as he rubbed his eyes. “Hey, you.”

They locked eyes for a minute, just smiling stupidly at each other. Derek reached out a hand and gingerly stroked Spencer’s cheek with his thumb. “Let’s get you to bed, huh, sleepy boy?” he said softly. Spencer gave a tiny nod in response, his eyelids already starting to droop again.

“‘m so tired, Derek,” he mumbled, starting to sit up.

“Ohh, baby. I know,” Derek cooed sympathetically. He helped Spencer to his feet and couldn’t stop himself from bringing Spencer into a tight embrace for a few moments before they trudged back to the bedroom. Once there, Spencer couldn’t muster enough energy to do anything else. He sat down at the foot of the bed and fell back with a soft thud, closing his eyes again. Derek watched the rise and fall of his chest and could already see his breathing slowing down.

He walked over and nudged his legs between Spencer’s knees, standing in front of him and looking down lovingly. He leaned forward, planting one hand next to Spencer’s head, letting the other caress his stomach, and tried to get Spencer’s attention.

“Spencer, c’mon, wake up. You’re not actually  _ in _ bed yet, let’s get you comfortable,” he said.

“Mmmmnnghhgn,” was all he got in return. Spencer turned his head and when his forehead came into contact with Derek’s forearm, he tried futilely to burrow his face there.

Derek couldn’t help but chuckle softly. This was the absolute most adorable thing he had ever seen another human being do, no exceptions.

“You are real goddamn cute, you know that? But you’re not gonna weasel your way out of this. Sit up for me and let me tuck you in,” Derek tried in a faux-commanding voice. Spencer let out another unintelligible noise but reluctantly opened his eyes. Derek stood up, offering a hand that Spencer finally took, and Derek pulled him up softly. Spencer stood next to the bed in a half-daze as Derek pulled down the covers and then basically shoved him up to the head of the bed.

“You get comfortable,” he said sternly. “Whatever you need to do for your neck. I’ll be back in a minute.” Spencer crawled into bed slowly as he heard Derek walk towards the bathroom. Through his exhaustion, Spencer battled four of his pillows into the perfect little nest to cradle his shoulder and was already half-asleep when Derek returned and crawled into bed in just a t-shirt and boxer briefs.

Derek appraised the sleepy puddle of genius before him and tried to assess the most fruitful cuddle scenario that wouldn’t cause him any pain. There weren’t many options. He settled in a few inches away from Spencer’s body and tentatively reached out a hand to Spencer’s hip and slid a leg over to meet Spencer’s at the ankle.

Spencer jolted awake and for a moment Derek panicked that his touches weren’t welcome, but before he could worry too much Spencer mumbled angrily, “Derek, why are your feet so cold!?”

Exhaling with relief, Derek shot back, “Why don’t you warm them up for me, Pretty Boy?” while mischievously nestling his foot between Spencer’s calves.

He gave a whine at the intrusion but nevertheless was asleep within minutes, and when they woke up the next morning that was still more or less how they were positioned.

 

************************

Spencer woke up first, probably awakened by the persistent ache in his neck. He felt a hand at his hip and glanced down to see the strong, dark fingers of Derek Morgan gently cupping his thigh. He listened for a moment and took in the soothing sound of Derek’s slow breathing behind him, smiling to himself and remembering everything that happened the night before. Sore from being in the same position all night, he slowly rolled over to lay on his back and turned his head to take in the sight of Derek Morgan… in his bed…

But Spencer’s movement had awakened Derek, who was now looking back at him and smiling through heavily-lidded eyes.

“G’morning,” Derek greeted as he stretched his arms over his head and let out a big yawn.

“Good morning,” Spencer said back.

“How’d you sleep, Pretty Boy?” Derek propped himself up on an elbow and brought a hand to Spencer’s chest, tracing small circles.

“Well… much better than usual,” Spencer chuckled dryly.

“Good,” Derek cooed, looking down at him intently.

“So, ah… there’s something that I was… hoping would happen last night that didn’t,” Spencer said shyly.

“Oh? And what’s that?” Derek said curiously, unsure where exactly this was going.

Spencer looked bashfully down at his own hands. “I haven’t had a chance to… kiss you yet,” he got out quietly before looking up into Derek’s face.

“Ohhh, Pretty Boy. All you had to do was ask.” And with that Derek was leaning forward gingerly, the hand that had been on Spencer’s chest now underneath his chin, pushing his face up so their lips could finally -  _ finallyfinallyfinally _ \- meet.

Spencer reached his good arm across his body and placed it on the side of Derek’s neck, holding him in place at first, and then Derek felt insistent fingers pulling him closer to deepen the kiss. He readily complied, darting a tongue out to trace Spencer’s bottom lip, moaning when Spencer opened his mouth slightly to grant him access.

Without breaking the kiss, Derek maneuvered himself on top of Spencer, his hips between Spencer’s thighs, the kiss getting deeper and deeper and more intense by the second as their tongues searched out new territory to explore. Slowly, their hips started to grind together, both of them getting hard fast and letting out quiet whimpers between kisses.

After a few minutes, Derek pulled his face away and sat up on his heels. When Spencer started to whine, Derek reached out a hand and slid it along his thigh soothingly.

“Can I ask you something?” Derek said in a serious voice, looking down at Spencer’s blissed out face longingly.

“Yeah,” Spencer replied, a little confused, his brows furrowing just slightly.

“I want to jerk you off so badly right now. Can I jerk you off right now?” Derek asked huskily, his hand sliding back up Spencer’s thigh pointedly.

In response, Spencer moaned quietly and tried in vain to jutt his hips up. It only served to send a shooting pain down his neck and shoulder. He hissed and his good hand reached up to soothe it tenderly.

Derek laughed. “Careful, Kid. I’ll take that as a yes?” he asked, one eyebrow raised jokingly, as if he didn’t know the answer.

Spencer frowned at the pain in his shoulder but nodded his head pathetically.

“Good,” Derek said, satisfied. “And after I’m done, I’m gonna sit right here and get myself off while you watch, gonna spill all over that stomach of yours, and it’ll be one of the hottest things I’ve ever done, I swear. Don’t want you worrying about reciprocating. Can’t set back your recovery, Hotch would never forgive me if he found out you needed more time off because you were out and about trying to give out hand jobs. Got it?”

He thought about protesting out of politeness, but he was so hot at the idea of what Derek had said that Spencer could only give another meek nod. Derek smiled.

Spencer’s shirt was still off from the night before, but Derek’s hands moved to the waistband of Spencer’s sweatpants. “Think you can lift your hips up for me without needing another surgery on that shoulder?”

Rolling his eyes, Spencer muttered sarcastically, “Very funny. You’re a funny man, Derek,” as he carefully lifted his hips so Derek could slide his pants and boxers off.

“You got lube?” Derek asked, and Spencer motioned to the nightstand. Derek dug around in the drawer before returning himself to his perch between Spencer’s legs. Still sitting up, Derek lubed his hand a started a deliriously slow rhythm tugging Spencer’s very-hard, already-dripping dick. His free hand was set firmly on Spencer’s hip, keeping him from bucking up into his touches. As Derek had suspected, Spencer had the prettiest cock he had ever seen. It was the perfect size to fit into Derek’s hand, flushed red; Derek was captivated for a moment by the sight of its head disappearing over and over into his hand, but that was only before he looked up and saw Spencer’s face.

A soft blush had taken over Spencer’s face and chest. He felt so exposed under Derek’s ministrations, nibbling his bottom lip self-consciously, his face turned away like he was trying to hide in the pillow his head was resting on. He had lifted one hand up and was running it through his own hair as his breathing steadily quickened, becoming louder and louder, moans escaping his lips every other breath.

Derek was captivated. Ten years he had been imagining this exact moment, and somehow the reality was still so much better than anything he could’ve invented in his mind. Doing his best to keep up the pace of his hand on Spencer’s cock, Derek leaned forward and planted a forearm next to Spencer’s head, bringing their faces together and kissing him fiercely. Spencer groaned loudly and Derek felt his own dick twitch at the sound. Derek shoved his tongue forcefully into Spencer’s mouth and kissed him relentlessly as his hand continued to work. Every time Spencer tried to pull away for air, Derek forced his lips against the younger man’s harder, not letting him take a single break. It was a subtle form of domination that was driving Spencer absolutely crazy with need. His moans got louder and louder, Derek swallowing every last one.

Spencer had no way to let Derek know how close he was, but Derek could make an educated guess when Spencer’s whimpers increased in pitch, and not long after Derek could feel Spencer’s whole body tensing. Finally, he broke the kiss and moved his lips to Spencer’s ear, whispering huskily, “Yes, Spencer, that’s it, that’s it, that’s it, let go for me, come for me…”

He didn’t need anything else; at Derek’s command, Spencer spilled all over Derek’s hand and his own stomach. Derek sat up again but kept stroking lazily, helping Spencer ride out his orgasm. Spencer’s chest was heaving; he was panting heavily. Derek could tell that in that moment, all of his self-consciousness was gone, that he was just there, experiencing everything all at once.

Spencer was still working on catching his breath but opened his eyes to look at Derek just in time to see him let go of his cock and then raise his hand to his own mouth to lick off Spencer’s cum. “Oh, God, Derek…” Spencer breathed as he watched greedily.

Derek smirked against his own hand. As he finished cleaning himself up, he asked teasingly, starting to back off of the bed to pull down his boxers, “You ready for the best free show of your life, boy?”

“Hmmm, you seem to think very highly of what I’m about to see,” Spencer replied, laughing. Derek was standing at the foot of the bed shimmying out of his underwear before reaching for the hem of his shirt, purposefully pulling it up slowly, taking his time revealing his chiseled abs and chest. As he tossed it aside, Derek wiggled his eyebrows at Spencer, momentarily flexing and striking a pose.

“See? Not bad, right, Pretty Boy?”

“Ohmygod, Derek,” Spencer laughed. “So  _ this _ is what I’ve gotten myself into?”

“Ohhh, you love it,” Derek teased as he climbed back on the bed, returning once again to his spot between Spencer’s legs.

Spencer looked up at him and replied, sincerely, “Yeah, I do love it.” Derek looked him in the eye and smiled the brightest smile Spencer had ever seen on his face.

As Derek reached out for the lube again, Spencer extended his arms towards Derek and found that he was sitting so far away that his fingertips barely brushed the older man’s thighs. “Mmm, Derek. Straddle my stomach instead, wanna be able to touch you while I watch,” he requested.

Morgan was happy to oblige, crawling over Spencer’s hips to find a more suitable spot. He settled in and wrapped his fingers around his own cock, stroking himself slowly at first. Spencer had one hand on Derek’s left thigh and had reached out with his other hand to Derek’s stomach, running his fingers over those perfect, beautiful abs in awe.

Still staring intently at Derek’s muscles, Spencer asked tentatively, “So… how long have you been thinking about getting me off like that?”

His face flushed slightly at his own question. Derek could see that Spencer was a little embarrassed to be attempting dirty talk with him, but despite that it was still  _ so fucking hot _ to hear Spencer egging on his masturbatory efforts. Derek’s hips bucked slightly into his own hand.

“Ohhh, God, Kid, you’ve got no idea,” Derek breathed out, his head falling back slightly in pleasure.

Gaining confidence, Spencer continued, “You ever think about it… at work? In front of the team? Imagine the weight of my erection in your hand?”

Derek groaned -  _ loud _ . He could barely get his response out between pants. “Few weeks ago… in Memphis… wanted to bend you over a table in the squad room… so… badly…”

Spencer’s hands were gaining confidence, too, one of them slowly sliding down his abs, brushing past Derek’s hand that was furiously working his cock, and cupping his balls.

“Nnngh, Kid, gotta tell you something,” Derek said before groaning again. His eyes were squeezed shut as he was overcome with pleasure. “See… I like to pride myself on having a certain…  _ prowess _ in bed, yanno? I mean, I’ve been around the block before. I like to think I can last a decent amount of time… no, ah… premature endings… if you know what I mean… but I’ve been at this for like, three minutes… and after watching you come… and with you talking all dirty to me… fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…”

Derek’s hand increased its pace frantically.

“It’s okay, Derek… you know what I want really badly right now?” he asked hypothetically, not waiting for a response. “Want to see you blow your load all over my stomach… Can you do that for me, Derek?”

A few strokes later, Derek was crying out and doing just that. He leaned forward over Spencer so their foreheads were touching. “Fuck, Kid.” He leaned in even closer, nuzzling their noses together. They stayed like that for a few moments before Derek reluctantly reached for some tissues and cleaned them up.

He collapsed next to Spencer on the bed, who had just glanced at the clock and let out a strangled, panicked noise.

“Don’t you have to go to work today!?” Spencer asked hurriedly.

Derek smiled back at him mischievously. “I called Hotch last night. Told him I had food poisoning from some sketchy Indian place  _ you _ made me go to.”

Spencer feigned indignance but was secretly elated to suddenly have a full day with Derek. His next question came out shyly, though: “Well, uh… if we’ve got all this time… Maybe we could talk… you know. Talk about what this is we’re doing here?”

Derek looked at him and replied, earnestly, “Absolutely, Kid. I’d love to.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Derek talk and love each other and it's great. Also I explore my headcannon that Spencer and Gideon have a super shady sexual history. Good thing Derek's there to comfort him!
> 
> Also, big thanks to everyone who has left comments! They are super motivating to me to write more, so, if you like it, please let me know? Thanks!

Still in bed, they laid together for a few minutes in a comfortable silence. Spencer stayed where he was, laying on his back, afraid he’d hurt himself if he moved. Derek rolled up onto his side and carefully snuggled closer, pulling himself flush with Spencer’s body, a leg thrown over Spencer’s thighs and an arm across Spencer’s stomach. Spencer lazily reached up his hand, running it over Derek’s forearm before linking their fingers together. When Derek saw Spencer’s eyelids slowly drooping, he gave his hand a small squeeze and gently whispered, “Get some more sleep, Pretty Boy. We have all day.”

Spencer gave a small smile before drifting off and Derek watched him for awhile, captivated. He revelled in the feeling of lying in bed, naked, with Spencer. Not necessarily the sexual aspect of it, but just the intimacy. Spencer’s skin was so warm against his own, so soft and comforting. He was sure Spencer could give him the exact chemical breakdown of the hormones that this skin-to-skin contact was releasing in his brain, a thought that made him smile to himself.

When Derek was sure Spencer was fast asleep, he carefully extricated himself from Spencer’s limbs and rolled over onto his back. Staring at the ceiling, his mind was racing with so many conflicting thoughts. Being here with Spencer felt right; it felt natural. Technically it was a new relationship, but it didn’t feel that way. If he and Spencer honestly examined their relationship over the past decade, he was sure that they would have to admit they were never just friends. They had always had a connection, a chemistry, that was far from platonic. It’s just that they were finally putting words to it, finally acting on it. Kissing and touching Spencer, it immediately felt comfortable. Familiar.

Every few minutes, though, he’d remember what he had done to Savannah the night before, and relentless waves of guilt washed over him. He didn’t love Savannah as much as he loved Spencer, but he  _ did _ love her. She was so unbelievably beautiful, probably the kindest person he had ever met. She  _ saved lives _ for a living. She sacrificed so much of herself to help others - to help Derek. God, she was the perfect woman. Derek had always been an honest, direct person, and he knew that Savannah deserved nothing less than the truth. When he knocked on her door and asked to talk, when he told her that he was in love with his best friend and that they were going to start something, Derek could plainly see how badly he was hurting her and he hated himself for it. Leaving her apartment to go right back to Reid made him feel terrible, like it was minimizing what he had shared with Savannah. But he was so worried that Spencer was going to change his mind and take it all back. Derek desperately needed to see him, touch him, hold him; reassure himself that it was all really happening. Scoop Spencer up and kiss him before he had a chance to back out.

When he got tired of beating himself up, Derek sighed and got out of bed. He looked around for his boxer briefs and t-shirt, sliding them on before padding out into Spencer’s apartment. He looked around the kitchen, locating coffee and a French press. He pulled down two mugs from the cabinet and had to stifle a laugh when he saw the giant canister of sugar on the kitchen counter; Derek knew how Spencer liked his coffee. When it was ready, Derek scooped up the mugs and turned to walk back to the bedroom, but was intercepted as Spencer walked out into the hallway, wearing his sweats from the night before and a groggy expression. Derek’s face lit up when he saw him. “Hey there, Pretty Boy. I was just coming your direction.” Spencer smiled back as Derek tilted his head towards the living room. “Couch?” Spencer nodded and followed behind him.

Derek carefully set the mugs down on the coffee table and when he turned around Spencer was already reaching an arm out for Derek’s waist, pulling him close. Derek reached his arms up, wrapping them around Spencer’s shoulders.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” Spencer murmured into Derek’s shoulder.

“You better get used to it, Kid,” Derek replied, pulling back to look into Spencer’s face and smile.

Spencer looked down and blushed, but Derek could see how wide his grin was.

“Here,” Derek said, grabbing a pillow and propping it up against the arm of the couch - like he had seen Spencer sleeping the night before - before sitting down in the middle of the couch. “Lay back here and prop your legs up,” he said, patting his lap to indicate what he meant.

Spencer readily complied, sitting down by the pillow before gingerly swiveling his legs around and resting them on Derek’s lap. Derek reached forward for the coffee cups, handing one to Spencer and taking a sip from his own, before bringing his forearms down to rest on Spencer’s thighs. Even before last night, Derek and Spencer had been an abnormally touchy-feely pair. Derek, especially, was an extremely tactile person. Now that he had the privilege, Derek never wanted to waste a single moment not touching his Pretty Boy.

Derek looked over at him. “Tell me how you’re feeling about all of this,” he prompted.

“Um…” Spencer stared down at his cup intently, brows furrowing. “Incredibly nervous. Scared,” he admitted.

Leaning forward, Derek placed his cup back on the table so his hands could rub lightly - reassuringly - on Spencer’s knees. “Why do you feel that way?”

“I just… I don’t have a ton of experience in romantic relationships. I’m awkward and say the wrong things and ramble a lot and just don’t know what to do half the time. Add in the fact that you just ended a relationship with an incredibly intelligent, gorgeous woman to be with me… I’m scared you’ll regret it. Change your mind.” Spencer still wasn’t looking Derek in the eye.

“Hey. Kid.” Derek reached out and tilted Spencer’s face towards his. “You’re acting like I haven’t known you for the past - what is it now? Twelve? - years. Everything that we have already is exactly what I want in a relationship with you. I want to be the person you share all your facts and statistics with. I want to be the person you share your problems with. I  want to help you solve them, or when that’s not possible, at least get to hold you for a while and make you feel better.” Spencer’s face was softening slightly, so Derek went on. “Yeah, you’re a little awkward,” he teased, grinning. “But it just makes you that much more endearing to me.”

Spencer smiled. “I’ve loved you for a really long time, you know,” he said hesitantly.

“I  _ didn’t _ know,” Derek said. “But I’m glad I do now. And I’ve loved you for… God. Forever. In fact, I think I said that several times, very loudly, in front of several paramedics and medical professionals in the back of an ambulance. And I meant it.”

They were quiet for a few moments, Spencer taking small sips of his coffee, Derek trying not to be too obvious about watching him. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Spencer.

“So… how much experience with romantic relationships do you have?” Derek asked. If he were being honest with himself, Derek was asking purely out of morbid curiosity. But he tacked on, “It doesn’t matter to me if it’s a little or a lot. I just don’t want to rush you into anything if you want to take things slow or whatever.”

“Well, you know everything about the past twelve years. Lila and Maeve pretty much sums it up,” Spencer chuckled dryly, feeling self conscious. “Before that, there were a few, ah… ‘hook ups’, I guess is the modern term for it, with a buddy of mine when we were both sort of realizing around the same time that we might be interested in men.”

“Was that Ethan?” Derek asked.

Spencer nodded. “Yeah. And then, uh, there was, well… In the academy...”

Derek had never seen Spencer’s face so red. Spencer regretted immediately that he had continued talking.

Squeezing Spencer’s thigh, Derek whispered, “It’s okay. You can tell me as little or as much as you want to.”

“Uh. Gideon,” Spencer said quietly, shrugging meekly.

Derek’s first instinct was to make a series of very inappropriate jokes. If it were anyone else, he probably would have. He was honestly kind of repulsed by the idea of thinking of Gideon sexually, and he shuddered at the thought of Gideon’s hands on Reid. But he could tell that there was something Spencer wasn’t saying, so he just repeated neutrally, “Gideon?”

“Honestly it really kind of messed me up for a long time,” Spencer started, but paused, looking for the right words. “I was so young when I started the academy and he, you know, took me under his wing, gave me all this special attention. I was learning so much from him, and I idolized him so much, that I didn’t question it at first.” Another pause. Derek didn’t rush him, just waited patiently, listening closely. “He had me over to his apartment to talk about some cases one night. He made me a drink, which I didn’t really want, and then… just, made his move, I guess. I never wanted a sexual relationship with him, but I just… froze. I wanted to be a profiler so badly, I needed him to keep mentoring me. I was scared of what would happen to my career if I rejected him.”

Derek nodded knowingly. He felt nauseous. This all sounded too familiar.

“It went on for the rest of the time I was in the academy. I hated myself so much because I still looked up to him, even though I felt sick every time he touched me, or made me touch him, or do… more. I hated that I didn’t stop it, even though I was an adult and should’ve been able to. And I especially hated that my body responded to it even when I closed my eyes and pretended I was somewhere else. It stopped when I joined the BAU. He fed me some line about how what we had was too special, it had to stay just between us, and he didn’t think he could hide it from the team if we were working together so closely.” Spencer’s voice was growing more and more bitter.

“Hey, Spencer,” Derek said softly. His heart was breaking for Spencer. “Do not blame yourself.  _ He _ was the authority figure,  _ he _ took advantage.”

Spencer shook his head. “I… I know that. It just doesn’t always matter.”

“Yeah, Kid. I know.” Derek said, his voice rough.

Inhaling sharply, Spencer forced a change in his demeanor. “Anyway… that’s enough about me,” he said with a fake laugh. “I would ask you about your relationship history, but to be honest I’m already feeling self conscious as it is.”

Derek chuckled kindly. “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I may be… well, experienced… but, you: God, you’re a fucking natural. You were so hot this morning. And just know that I’m never comparing you to anyone else. I feel so comfortable with you already. You’re the only person that matters, the only one I’m thinking about.”

Spencer relaxed a little at his reassurances. “Is there anything about your past that you want me to know? Anything that is, uh… weird or uncomfortable for you?”

Derek knew what he was getting at. “Look, just don’t feel like you have to treat me any differently because of what happened to me. I’ve struggled a lot with not feeling like I’m damaged goods, you know? There have been people who… well, who couldn’t feel the same about me after they found out. They were so repulsed by it. Or would get too careful. I don’t want to think about it when I’m in bed with someone, and I don’t want them thinking about it either.”

Spencer nodded understandingly.

“I guess the only thing I’d say is that I’m probably a lot more communicative than most people. God, especially given your history. I just like to talk a lot about what’s okay and what’s not and what feels good and what doesn’t. And I tend to… ask permission more often, whereas a lot of people would be more willing to go with the flow.” Derek continued in an apologetic tone, “I guess it kind of takes the spontaneity out of it sometimes, but…”

“Don’t feel bad about it,” Spencer cut him off. “It was, well, incredibly hot to hear you say out loud what you wanted to do to me this morning. I’m a pretty verbal person, anyway. Words can do a lot for me.”

Derek grinned and turned a little hesitant. “I, uh. When we get there, I also kind of like for it to go both ways. It’s not a  _ huge _ deal, but it can make me feel safer, to know what to expect, you know?”

“Yeah, absolutely. Of course,” Spencer replied.

Sighing contentedly, Derek changed the subject. “So, Kid. What’re we doing today?”

Glancing at his watch, Spencer’s face lit up with excitement. “If we leave by two, we can make it to Georgetown for this independent film festival that’s going on today. They’re premiering a documentary about linguistic diversity and preservation efforts in small midwest Native American communities that I’d really like to see.”

“Sounds great,” Derek replied, patting Spencer’s thigh before grinning mischievously. “Care to join me for a shower before we get dressed?”

“Hmm, I think that could be arranged,” Spencer said, blushing, but flashing a wide, beautiful smile back at Derek.


End file.
